Small Steps to a Big Day

Headache, icky mouth, sore tummy, and exhaustion… I’m the the final hours of the 48 hour methotrexate hangover. Today started way too early- 7am. I took small stiff steps to shower, dress, brush hair, apply makeup, and eat a little. Did I get hit by a train? I’m 30 but, am definitely feeling much older.

Today was my 6-week checkup with my rheumatologist since I have started the 15mg of methotrexate. I came in with a list of questions related to my hair loss, swollen lymph nodes, pinched nerve sensation, cane recommendations, and asked for exercise tips. I have only seen my doctor a few times so far but, he didn’t seem to answer my questions. Otherwise the appointment went as I had expected- long and came with a new prescription 20mg of methotrexate. I am really hoping my hair loss does not get worse. I’m imagining my fingers crossed.

I came home and took about a 40 minute nap because I felt that I could hardly stay awake. A couple hours later, I decided to tackle something big- the GYM. I’ve had a membership since I was around 13. I won’t discuss how little I have been over the years. Since the severe pain started I am down to about 117lbs which means I have lost 10lbs. Sadly, I’m sure I have lost a fair amount of muscle mass. I also suffer from lack of energy and overall strength. Is it the disease or the inactivity? Probably both!

I decided to treat myself to new headphones to crank up Passion Pit’s new album to get me pumped. Twenty-two minutes, of mostly treadmill with a little mix of elliptical, later I was sick and on my way out. How depressing! Although, I rarely attended the gym I could do a great workout- walking/jogging and free weight lifting for an hour or more.

I did not fully realize how the loss of mobility had impacted me physically. I plan to spend a little time at the gym everyday this week- treadmill, elliptical, and yoga. The pool is undergoing maintenance this week but, next week I plan to start aqua classes. I know my life will never be the same, but I hope to gain some strength and independence again.

Let’s see how I feel tomorrow…


Ra Ra Run Down

I used to feel a small amount of irritation with people walking slow in the middle of the way. My husband is tall and inevitably walks at a fast pace. I enjoyed the fast paced walk because after all aren’t we all in a perpetual hurry? Hurry to work, hurry to the grocery store, hurry home, hurry with house chores, hurry dinner… the hurry never seems to end.

Until you become the slow one who irritates people mildly or fully. I had my first traveling experience with RA and feel kind of devastated by people. Without choice, starting in April I just slowed down. It hasn’t been entirely noticeable until this trip. People in the airport were practically plowing me over and showing outward irritation with my slow pace. I seem to drop things easier and have trouble balancing and those who helped were those who carried a passport. I vividly recall three young, American, macho, and overweight men saying loudly behind me as my husband and I stood to the side on a people mover with all of our luggage, “How lazy are people that they can’t even walk. Aren’t these things made to help people move faster?” The men quickly bolted around us and continued their route on the regular path continuing to bashing the “lazy.”

Part of me wanted to have a tantrum, to sit down and cry in the middle of the crowd. What the hell is the hurry? Why do people assume laziness?

Despite the near tears and trampling experiences, I am proud of my slower pace. I’m more aware, more kind, and more present.