Fatigue funk, day 6, has finally eased up today. While I still feel tired, it’s better and I am going to celebrate that (like plucking a whisker on my chin)! Rad! I was able to make a big outing to get my blood work done (liver enzymes check) and pick up dog food (30lb. thank you very much!)/treats and Feliway for my troubled cat. While I am going to inform my rheumatologist of my symptoms, I’m going to try to let go wondering why this happened. I spent the last 6 days wondering is this RA or Humira? I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter. I found myself over the course of the week wasting my precious energy worrying about the past, present, and future. Fatigue makes me feel a serious emotional funk where I feel hopeless and helpless- and neither of that is reality.
With the windows down and Regina Spektor bursting out of my car’s speakers, I made my way home from my big solo outing (still proud I got a 30lb. bag of dog food by myself!). I passed by the road, where I drove millions of times during the 4 years I drove to my (pseudo dream but actually abusive) job and took a big sigh of relief. I don’t work there anymore and it feels SO GOOD! I could have danced in the streets sharing the word with everyone! I I was really miserable and not because of my students or teaching as I truly adored both, but because of the horrific atmosphere. My classroom alone could speak volumes to the awfulness I experienced. It was 80-90 degrees in the warm months and 40-50 in the cooler months (it was unannounced byo- fan and heating) and I (along with numerous others) was too afraid to complain! This is a job I asked my husband to bathe, dress, and physically carry me to on my worst days. Though I always did it for my students, it’s still completely absurd I now know.
So many teachers go through a ton of education and training to get low pay, pay for supplies for their students/classrooms, have poor benefits, and often are asked to work miracles and on top of that are threatened/mistreated/abused. I heard the other morning a state proposed doing a type of “bar exam” for teachers- I hope they also plan to pay lawyer’s wages! I put in the most hours and worked the hardest I ever have as a teacher and was constantly insulted by comments like you have great hours and vacations! HA! It’s as bad as RA is just arthritis. Great teachers are amazing and inspiring, truly.
Coming out of my funk, I remind myself of the following things: I survived a terrible life consuming job (with help from the love of my awesome students) with a terrible disease. It feels AWESOME to be gone from that place! I can be present and be sure that I am constantly in an atmosphere that can ignite who I am rather than extinguish it. It’s so easy to become complacent in job that on paper is a dream when in reality it’s aiding your poor health and unrecognized horrible dissatisfaction of life. My husband remains lovingly by my side through it all and has taken on a lot of additional responsibilities without complaint. I have an amazing family. Though life definitely is not easy, I am more present, more aware, and more grateful than I have ever been! Rad!