This is the most relaxed I have ever been, perhaps even my whole life. Then Tuesday came and went taking my relaxed state with it. I received an email with a simple phrase, “Please open the attachment with your student teaching placement.”
I would imagine that for someone who has just completed their coursework for their teaching credential, this would be an exciting first step in the classroom. However, after 4 years of teaching on my own, this feels strange and frightening. Strange because after my fourth year I felt like I had reached a good level of comfort and had lots of exciting ideas for the following year. Frightening because I have post traumatic stress, from the abuse my husband and I endured at our previous job. I love teaching with my heart and soul but after the way we were treated, it hurt my vision of the profession. In our situation, the administration was completely incompetent, uneducated, catty, and unprofessional. Ironically, we were made to feel as though we were those things. The story continues at that school where at least nine more teachers have been terminated since the beginning of this school year. I am so thankful we were fired and no longer have to work in an environment based on bullying, abuse, and fear.
I’m also concerned about my physical abilities. Though, I am better than I was eight months ago I still suffer from fatigue, stiffness, pain, and emotional distress. While I am different now, I worry that my brain still has not fully acknowledged this fact and therefore being in a working environment will cause me to realize my limitations and disability.
On the flip side, I’m looking forward to moving beyond a difficult period of my life. It will be nice to look back with focus on a different and (hopefully) positive teaching experience. It will also help me to better decide new future goals with RA in mind. For now my focus will be to learn to find peace with the coming days and weeks.