Clouds appeared in our normally clear blue skies. The temperature dropped. Doctor Who started up again. A familiar but frightening feeling came over me. It has nearly been a year since my severe onset and crazed Doctor Who marathons. April was the month my body showed me widespread agonizing pain for the first time. It returned again on a smaller scale but reminded me of the power of RA. Moving my body has been a painful challenge worsening in the past few days. Flare? Low pressure? Overdoing it? No reason at all? Who knows. For the past couple weeks my eyes have been dry, slightly painful and itchy, and sensitive to light. I have had this on and off for years. Each time I blame my eye makeup but, Google lead me to Sjögren’s. Who knows.
The medications are powerful but seemingly not powerful enough. I’m sad they cannot stop the pain nor create remission. It leads me to question my decisions. Sometimes I only see a world of greed and extreme differing views. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies push medications while alternative doctors push diet and supplements. Who should I trust? Both make money with their advice. My husband has been reading books by Dr. Fuhrman and the nutritarian diet. It’s a healthier version of our current vegan diet which includes mostly raw foods and only eating foods with the highest nutritional content. I love it. I also love the idea of food being my medicine. For now I remain in compromise with a combo of medications and diet. I am terrified to return to a year ago where days felt unbearable and the future doomed to great despair- especially to my beautiful family. There is no denying the medications have made even the worst days bearable but I am in constant fear of the consequences. On the other hand I’m fearful of the consequences without medication and the permanent damage of RA.
It’s fear that I will work through everyday. I will be better at recognizing that fear is just a series of thoughts that I can choose to grasp or roll away. Today I grasped them off and on leading me to naps awakened with gasps and racing heartbeats. Thankfully my husband is always right there to remind me that everything is really okay. The Doctor has also helped to ease my mind today… Doctor Who that is. BBC American has had nearly 24/7 Doctor Who and the new season has started! On another rad note it’s the beginning of avocado season. Take that storm and fear! Boom!
Guess what I got in the mail today? I’m SO excited to dig into this book! I’m determined and dedicated to live a new and better life every single day and these four memorable agreements will be included. It’s amazing how things can shift with awareness of thought and implementing changes. I’m powerful with my thoughts but how I use them is another story. I always need more Wisdom.
Here are the agreements:
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
I’m digging in!
It was as if I was invisible. My tires squealed and I veered to the right to avoid hitting a beige sedan that so carelessly pulled out in front of me. Although the accident was averted my body trembled and ached. Simultaneously, an overwhelming sense of perspective came over me. I was on my way to get my first Humira shot after a five week hiatus after fending off a yeast infection (of which I now speculate the validity which I’ll address in another post). I was mentally satisfied to be off of Humira as the risks are frightening and the haunting commercials certainly do not help. Pain has increased in the past couple weeks but still, it was a relief to my soul until the near car accident.
It’s no doubt that Humira is scary, but as the beige sedan inched its way closer I woke up. We all are not guaranteed a long life and it can all come to an abrupt end at any moment. I feel in these last few weeks, I have once again failed to be present. I easily distract myself perhaps as a coping mechanism. My quality of life has diminished (with pain increasing) but, I brushed it to the side, and pushed forward. Pain communicates that joint damage is occurring and I unconsciously ignored that. But, I am putting myself back on track and being aware and taking care. The start was my Humira shot, continued by going to the doctor, and now resting in bed or on the couch (the last couple days). Fatigue is getting the best of me which always brings insecurities on strong. It still seems so surreal (though I have experienced it for years) that randomly I am so exhausted and achy that the flu seems to be the only possible cause. I now know it’s RA. The flu goes away and this is a chronic reality that I am learning to make peace with. My body needs help so I am slowing down and learning to listen more carefully. Also, I am working through insecurities and fears realizing they are merely thoughts that I should observe not things I should own. While RA is not fun, it has taught me a tremendous amount and I am better for that.