It was as if I was invisible. My tires squealed and I veered to the right to avoid hitting a beige sedan that so carelessly pulled out in front of me. Although the accident was averted my body trembled and ached. Simultaneously, an overwhelming sense of perspective came over me. I was on my way to get my first Humira shot after a five week hiatus after fending off a yeast infection (of which I now speculate the validity which I’ll address in another post). I was mentally satisfied to be off of Humira as the risks are frightening and the haunting commercials certainly do not help. Pain has increased in the past couple weeks but still, it was a relief to my soul until the near car accident.
It’s no doubt that Humira is scary, but as the beige sedan inched its way closer I woke up. We all are not guaranteed a long life and it can all come to an abrupt end at any moment. I feel in these last few weeks, I have once again failed to be present. I easily distract myself perhaps as a coping mechanism. My quality of life has diminished (with pain increasing) but, I brushed it to the side, and pushed forward. Pain communicates that joint damage is occurring and I unconsciously ignored that. But, I am putting myself back on track and being aware and taking care. The start was my Humira shot, continued by going to the doctor, and now resting in bed or on the couch (the last couple days). Fatigue is getting the best of me which always brings insecurities on strong. It still seems so surreal (though I have experienced it for years) that randomly I am so exhausted and achy that the flu seems to be the only possible cause. I now know it’s RA. The flu goes away and this is a chronic reality that I am learning to make peace with. My body needs help so I am slowing down and learning to listen more carefully. Also, I am working through insecurities and fears realizing they are merely thoughts that I should observe not things I should own. While RA is not fun, it has taught me a tremendous amount and I am better for that.