Being Present in a Distracting World

It was as if I was invisible. My tires squealed and I veered to the right to avoid hitting a beige sedan that so carelessly pulled out in front of me. Although the accident was averted my body trembled and ached. Simultaneously, an overwhelming sense of perspective came over me. I was on my way to get my first Humira shot after a five week hiatus after fending off a yeast infection (of which I now speculate the validity which I’ll address in another post). I was mentally satisfied to be off of Humira as the risks are frightening and the haunting commercials certainly do not help. Pain has increased in the past couple weeks but still, it was a relief to my soul until the near car accident.

It’s no doubt that Humira is scary, but as the beige sedan inched its way closer I woke up. We all are not guaranteed a long life and it can all come to an abrupt end at any moment. I feel in these last few weeks, I have once again failed to be present. I easily distract myself perhaps as a coping mechanism. My quality of life has diminished (with pain increasing) but, I brushed it to the side, and pushed forward. Pain communicates that joint damage is occurring and I unconsciously ignored that. But, I am putting myself back on track and being aware and taking care. The start was my Humira shot, continued by going to the doctor, and now resting in bed or on the couch (the last couple days). Fatigue is getting the best of me which always brings insecurities on strong. It still seems so surreal (though I have experienced it for years) that randomly I am so exhausted and achy that the flu seems to be the only possible cause. I now know it’s RA. The flu goes away and this is a chronic reality that I am learning to make peace with. My body needs help so I am slowing down and learning to listen more carefully. Also, I am working through insecurities and fears realizing they are merely thoughts that I should observe not things I should own. While RA is not fun, it has taught me a tremendous amount and I am better for that.

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. How you explained the decision to take a potentially toxic medication was just beautiful. We may not be able to control the length of our lives but if we can do something to improve the quality of our lives we should.

    • Thank you 🙂 Yes- it’s easy to be distracted or become complacent but, quality of life needs our attention! I’ll do whatever it takes! It’s ironic scary meds can potentially improve your overall quality of life.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s