Stormy Fears

Clouds appeared in our normally clear blue skies. The temperature dropped. Doctor Who started up again. A familiar but frightening feeling came over me. It has nearly been a year since my severe onset and crazed Doctor Who marathons. April was the month my body showed me widespread agonizing pain for the first time. It returned again on a smaller scale but reminded me of the power of RA. Moving my body has been a painful challenge worsening in the past few days. Flare? Low pressure? Overdoing it? No reason at all? Who knows. For the past couple weeks my eyes have been dry, slightly painful and itchy, and sensitive to light. I have had this on and off for years. Each time I blame my eye makeup but, Google lead me to Sjögren’s. Who knows.

The medications are powerful but seemingly not powerful enough. I’m sad they cannot stop the pain nor create remission. It leads me to question my decisions. Sometimes I only see a world of greed and extreme differing views. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies push medications while alternative doctors push diet and supplements. Who should I trust? Both make money with their advice. My husband has been reading books by Dr. Fuhrman and the nutritarian diet. It’s a healthier version of our current vegan diet which includes mostly raw foods and only eating foods with the highest nutritional content. I love it. I also love the idea of food being my medicine. For now I remain in compromise with a combo of medications and diet. I am terrified to return to a year ago where days felt unbearable and the future doomed to great despair- especially to my beautiful family. There is no denying the medications have made even the worst days bearable but I am in constant fear of the consequences. On the other hand I’m fearful of the consequences without medication and the permanent damage of RA.

It’s fear that I will work through everyday. I will be better at recognizing that fear is just a series of thoughts that I can choose to grasp or roll away. Today I grasped them off and on leading me to naps awakened with gasps and racing heartbeats. Thankfully my husband is always right there to remind me that everything is really okay. The Doctor has also helped to ease my mind today… Doctor Who that is. BBC American has had nearly 24/7 Doctor Who and the new season has started! On another rad note it’s the beginning of avocado season. Take that storm and fear! Boom!

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