I sat in profound shock and disgust. I actually felt like Throwing Up or Diarrhea Planet, which are actually both bands I ran across on Spotify the other day. Perhaps it was a moment like this where they chose their band name. If so, I totally get it now and revoke all of the jokes I made at their expense.”I saw Diarrhea Planet in the women’s restroom at a local concert venue recently. While the bathroom experience was explosive for some, I felt good and Heart was amazing!” “Isn’t Throwing Up your favorite?”
I was in the middle of updating the single sheet of paper that explains a person and an entire career, my resume, when I discovered an email I wrote years ago. I had done a search on my computer for a company I worked for years ago and for some reason it pulled up this particular email. I reread again and again. I wrote this? It says it’s from me. Have I been hacked? I could not hear my voice in this email just some angry psycho. Had my voice changed that much? In a nutshell, the email was rejecting a request for a letter of recommendation for a former co-worker and friend. It was ruthless and mean-spirited, at least up to the last couple lines, “Despite my feelings, I wish you the best in your endeavors.” The most bizarre thing is I have absolutely no recollection of this instance. I had even consulted a friend on how to handle the recommendation request and got an “all clear!” for my response. Who was I? What planet was I on? Clearly I had been hacked… by fear. It was clearly a personal issue of mine that I let carry through to this email. I know I wasn’t in a great place and was trying to do a lot of healing from my former life but wow! It makes me want to apologize to anyone I have ever known. “Sorry for being an asshole! I didn’t understand the role of fear in my life, or how to apply forgiveness, triviality, peace, and compassion! I also hadn’t discovered the Four Agreements!”
Ironically, as I sat stagnantly staring at my terribly boring resume I got a text from a wonderful friend thanking me for being a great friend. Okay, Universe I hear you! I caught a glimpse of who I was, at least for that moment, and thankfully I have grown from that. My life is incomparable to then and I am entirely grateful. It’s taken a lot of- I’ll call it-experience to get where I am. Now, I just have to continue on my path of transformation or as the Toltecs called it, the Art of Transformation. I have to continue to ignore the parasite which feeds fear and inadequacy to live a life of freedom. My dream is right now so why waste it on trivial things or moments of weakness in the past? I’ve never liked my voice but, I believe that it has changed and it feels new. I think I like it! Don’t worry I won’t be putting out an album as the new formed band “Asshole.” I’m guessing that name is already taken anyway.