The Light

After a tough couple years of starting with losing my health, job, and generally losing my way, I’ve done something radical. I have chosen happiness!

If you had asked me three, four, or even five years ago if I was happy, I would have lied to you. I would have said, absolutely! I have a great job and wonderful home life. Only I had no home life and my work life was a life consuming hell. I was in a constant state of hurrying, overworking, getting sick, and playing catchup- no rest, just repeat. I was in a cloud drifting far from the present moment. When I caught glimpses of the present it was like being electrocuted so, of course, I kept it distant. When the present would creep up I would be fearful and angry with my life. I tried fix things by studying things like A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, unsuccessfully. I felt I understood his ideas but, I absolutely did not act on it. It hurt. My body was exhausted and painful, everything in my life showed signs of neglect, and I was allowing myself to be abused. It was all my choice. I did not choose to be present or compassionate.

I have been sick with a cold for the past nine days. In the past, when I have gotten sick I am very sulky and grumpy about HAVING to stay home, rest, and recover. It has been one of my greatest fears and frustrations. I had to much to do to tend to my health. I always went back to work too soon which resulted in feeling sick longer- adding to my general feeling of anxiety. This cold has been a bit of a roller coaster. Some days I felt okay and others I felt awful. So for perhaps the first time in my adult life, I just stayed home and rested. It didn’t come without frustration or stress but, it did come with compassion and forgiveness. It is what it is. Let it be.

I know I have said this before but, RA has been a great teacher. It has taught me to be more compassionate to myself which has allowed me to be more compassionate to others as well. It has also taught me to be present and grateful for everything in my life. I can now find the good in most things. The darkest times have shown me the brightest light.

May your happiness and joy increase. May the causes for your happiness increase.

Inhale Light, Exhale Darkness

Aging is incomprehensibly beautiful when your eyes are bright. Stagnant days, weeks, months, years, and decades are unforgiving and vanish fast and ferociously. As a child I appreciated life in all forms. I spent a lot of time alone and outdoors frolicking outside in a mountainy area. I watched, fully amazed, as spiders built their webs, ants carry objects 300 times their size, and thistles grow from spiky bushes to having gorgeous blue flowers. I carried spiders and stinker bugs from the inside out. With tears streaming down my face, I buried the remains of lives taken by my rescued cats. With my sun-bleached sandy blonde hair flowing, I drove my low-rider tricycle up and down our long driveway at a million miles an hour scaring the hell out of my parents and our horses who lived near the end of the driveway. I enjoyed the air. I enjoyed everything in life.

Though I was energetic and upbeat externally as I grew into adulthood I grew bitter, more fearful, and gained a general distain for the world. From cruelty to animals to tragic illnesses and death of loved ones, everything I saw in life was cruel and awful. I was in a relationship that matched my attitude of distain and until I awoke it was completely masked. When my eyes caught light, I saw everything for exactly what it was. I didn’t realize it happened but, when it happened my lifestyle no longer fit and neither did the person in my life. It all came to an end and my life resumed with full awareness and appreciation of life. I met my husband, we bought a home, and everything seemed to align like a storybook.

It happened again. Life became stagnant and darkness flooded my joy. If anyone had asked me and I’m sure they did, I was happy and living the “American dream.” I had a husband, home, and worked a million hours at a thankless job. Very American! It was easy to see from my home’s curb that something was missing. Weeds grew like a jungle around my home and our car rarely sat in the comfort of its nice garage. I also was known as “the sick one” at my job and everyone told me I worked too hard too much. Too. Too. Too. I didn’t agree though I caught glimpses and began to feel critical of my “too” constant surroundings.

Then RA came full fledge and told my body it too was done. But I didn’t stop until I had no other choice. I couldn’t dress myself, wash myself, and could hardly wipe myself. Oh yeah, then my husband and I got fired. My health and livelihood were gone seemingly all at once. What I have left are THE MOST important things- my family (animals included) and my home. My eyes grew bright again and life is beautiful. However, it can be stagnant if I allow it and the dreary cloud hovers and covers again raining misery and fear.

Age has taught me to see darkness coming which allows me to wash it away with awareness. Chronic pain and illness can make life feel stagnant and did for a period of time. I sat, slept, wept, and revisited bitterness and distain. Rewind. Repeat. Then one day I got up stiff and sore and felt light beaming out of my pores. I got an overwhelming sense of what the hell am I doing? I started gardening and being more active despite the pain and fatigue. I may not be the same physically but, I am proud of how far I have come.

Yesterday the cloud drifted back as I suddenly felt a hopelessly unemployed funk. I see it. Inhale. I’m going to wash it away as I could miss something truly rad if I don’t pay attention. My senses are on high alert. I enjoy the air. I enjoy life. But, what if… Exhale.