Breaking the Silence

Hello friends. Is anyone even still out there after my extended silence?

You see, I have joined the workforce once again and unlike student teaching, I actually get a paycheck. Rad! I wake up alarmingly early, greet children ranging from K-12 for the day, and arrive home overjoyed to see my husband, critters, and dear friend- my worn-out red couch. Yep, I am a substitute teacher. This was a career choice that was dreaded and horrific until my second day. My first day, I was in a second grade class which fulfilled my feeling of dread. I didn’t know until I arrived but, I was the 5th sub in 8 weeks (a teacher was out on medical leave) and I was recommended to be very strict to get through the day. As you would expect, all 33 kids were completely out of control… tantrums, tattling, screaming, peeing pants… it all happened. Internally, I even had a meltdown. Despite the fact that I committed to three days with these untamed beasts, before noon I decided I would not be back again. I drove home in a trance mixed with frustration, sadness, and love. The love part added confusion into the mix. Once home, I got on the computer to do my daily search for a permanent job. Is Starbucks hiring? I have had a few former students who were employed with them…

Then I found myself reading Harry Wong’s, a spectacular educator who has written numerous books, teaching strategies for the elementary classroom. By the evening I had a plan to get these second graders back on track. Afterall, it’s not their fault they are out of control. In the end, I was with this class for two weeks. These fabulous kids taught me more than I could ever teach them and I sobbed at the end of my last day with them.

Once I plop onto the couch at the end of each day, my body reminds me that I have already overspent my energy for the day. I know if I press forward with other things, I may require a day with the couch tomorrow. And who wants a day on the couch when you could be teaching kids? Not me.

Living a Life with Purpose

With my hands in the air I announce, I’m done. I give in. I surrender.

I had an epiphany last week and it was both utterly amazing and out of this world emotional. I’ve spent my days painting, drawing, studying, reading, writing, planning, and searching. The days go by rapidly and I am overwhelmingly engaged. I search more than I do anything. I wrack my brain until it’s bruised and sore to think. I laugh, smile, frown, and tears stream down my face pouring out an array of emotions. I feel on the verge of insanity but remain sane (I think). Over the years I have successfully ignored the whispers that have tried to give me the answer I needed and then the brick wall came tumbling down. I’ve struggled to understand and haven’t known exactly how to proceed. It still hurts and I continually stumble over the bricks. Since the wall fell the question that has tugged at me is, what is my purpose? Last week the answer came rushing to me and I blushed in my own presence. It has been staring me in the face all this time. All of my life it has been right here in front of me.

I was born feeling that life is both extraordinary and fragile. As a child I spent much of my time with critters both small and big and felt amazed by them all. I also felt the devastation of the untimely deaths of the smallest creatures to those that somehow ended my dinner plate. That spider that was smashed on the floor had one chance and it was taken in an instant based on irrational fear. That beef dinner was actually once a cow, with friends and family, and it ended for a meal. Just like that life is over, forever. I do my best to never be the cause of the end of any creatures life because we all have this in common- we only have this one chance in this life. Over the the years I have tried to teach people compassion toward all creatures. I have taught using tears, sadness, anger, screaming, frustration, empathy, sympathy, and finally surrender.

When I was 10, I cried when a friend had smashed a spider on a wall near her bedroom. With its small fragile corpse still imbedded in the wall she announced to me in laughter that Charlotte was dead. At twenty years old, after intentionally arriving after folks ingested the tortured dead turkey on Thanksgiving, I sobbed when the mother of my ex called me into a room and then declared with an abhorrent snicker, “Here’s a spider! Try to save this one!” and proceeded to smash it before me. Now I’m in my thirties and while my brother-in-law was visiting a couple years ago, he felt compelled to proclaim that he squished a bug in a vegan home on Facebook. What is with people? I always thought I was weak because millions of moments like this are etched into my soul permanently. Like an elephant, I never forget. I have often thought that I am too sensitive to exist on this planet with people who don’t see the beauty of life other than their own (sometimes not even that). I’ve felt shredded by people who are outright cruel in their seemingly personal attacks. These experiences were profound and should have lead me to my greatest purpose. But instead they have tormented me and in turn I have dialed away from my greatest passion to avoid stress, pain, and suffering.

Part of my epiphany is that these actions (from millions of instances), from those I know and do not know, are NOT personal. These actions belong to those individuals and are only a reflection of them, not me. I am not weak unless I choose to take these moments personal. My purpose to bring light to the beauty of all life. I’ve always felt connected to every living creature from microscopic and gigantic, yes even to people who can be unbearably cruel. It’s time I surrender to who I am, make a commitment, and work toward feeling complete. It is too painful to live any other way.

Like so many, I’m a huge fan of Oprah. I recently watched her Master Class and she expressed this beautiful thought that is in perfect alignment with where I am today…

“When you’ve worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and plead and bargained and hoped… surrender.
When you have done all that you can do and there’s nothing left for you to do… give it up.
Give it up to something that is greater than yourself… then let it become part of the flow.”

I unknowingly surrendered and it’s feeling rad.

Did you know that a Humane Educator is a real thing? Ah-maze-ing!

What is your purpose?

The “F” Word

He works full time and this work often doesn’t end upon his arrival at home, as more duties await. Dinner must be prepared, for everyone, and then the heap of dishes that inevitably follow. Then there is miscellaneous other things that pile up like household cleaning, yard work, and critter poop. He’s tired, of course.

Fairness has always been an obscure concept. As an only child, I fit into the stereotype of having all I could ever need, want and more but, it didn’t come without responsibilities. My family did a great job of talking to me as an intelligent being rather than just a child, and taught me how to care for not only myself but others too. At a young age I fostered kittens who were only a couple weeks old. I got up every two hours for feeding and cleaning. I raised my babies until they were old enough to go to new homes where they would be loved and live the rest of their lives. Oh, I cried. A lot. But, it was the right thing to do as our household was bursting at the seams with other critters we had rescued. 

I grew up in the middle of the mountains and didn’t have many comparisons. I was timid with light brown/blonde hair, green eyes, and tan skin. I was very much a white girl. Most of my friends were Native American, living in poverty, and still very much feeling the effects of their ancestors losing their land and way of life. It will never fade. They hated me at first and I struggled to comprehend it. I didn’t personally raid and take away their land and lives. In fact, my ancestors didn’t even participate in it. Quickly I adapted and began to understand that their feelings were justified and grew distain for my skin color and white people problems. I’m still annoyed with white people problems.

There are so many issues above that could be deemed as unfair. But, what is fairness and why is this something that we all must seek? The concept of fairness and American culture’s obsession with it is destructive. It’s evident absolutely everywhere. It has become more visible in marriage issues I’ve perceived lately.

On RA and chronic illness related blogs, Facebook comments, and forums relationship issues are a hot topic. Spouses don’t believe, support, and even abandon their families due to chronic disease. But this is not just in the chronic illness community, it’s an epidemic in our culture in all relationships. It’s my belief that most of it has to do with fairness. Foolish things like who cooked dinner the most, who vacuumed last, and who always has to pick up the kids become the only things in focus. Love and partnership is a blur. It doesn’t stop there, it’s materialistic too. An old friend of mine used to complain how her husband got a new car and how unfair it was that she had to drive an older car. Seriously? Many marriages are comparable to relationships of siblings. When romantic love isn’t important, why not just marry your brother or sister? But, she got a new pair of shoes so I’m going to get a new pair too! Gross.

Years ago I stood in my mom’s driveway with my Uncle and received the most amazing advice, “Marriage is never 50/50. It’s never equal. Often one person does 100%. If you start to focus on things being fairly applied, you’ve lost.” Though it resonated with me even at the time, I’ve gotten lost many times. When I first got sick I felt I was an overwhelming burden. My husband picked me up from the bed, into the shower, washed and dressed me. “What kind of life is this for him?” I often thought. I would even daydream about what his life could be without my weight. Several times I told him he was free, and told him to… RUN! I felt it wasn’t fair and he didn’t sign up for a disease infested crippled woman. Each time he was utterly insulted insisting that it is his honor to care for me. Overwhelmingly he’s just happy I am alive.

He works full time and doesn’t stop when he gets home. He carries 100% without complaint or grudge. He doesn’t tally the number of days he’s had to do the dishes and care for the animals to use against me on my better days. He knows it’s likely I will not be able to ever carry 100% again. And it’s okay because fairness is equal to loss. Fairness is equal to loss in every relationship.

I’m still learning. But I know one thing for sure, fairness is the big ugly “F” word. Everything is unfair for everyone, all the time.  So can we all collectively let it go, let it free, tell it to… run! Can we? 

 

New Braces!

It’s hot! And sticky! While I was initially excited to write this post about my new snazzy/girly wrist braces I’d now rather avoid the topic… because they’re rather squishy in sweat but remain a necessity. But like the brave soul I am I will trudge on and ask you to ignore my previous statements.

Hey guys! I got new wrist braces! This is what they look like…

 

They’re even pink on the inside! Rad!

 

My old wrist braces got their first bath and these beauties are closely bonding with me. My old ones are gargantuan and drew attention like “how did you break your wrists?” “are you okay?” So these new feminine models will hopefully draw less attention. I’ll keep you posted.

All my tests came back and everything is “normal,” which I figured would be the case. It seems pain, especially in the ribs, can make it tough to sleep/breathe. 

Anyway, it’s been a hectic week and I’ve spent an absurd amount of time in front of my computer. I think I’m going to plop (gently) on the couch for some much overdue rest! Perhaps even watch my new favorite show, Scandal, obsessively. I wish ya’ll a great weekend!

New Voice

I sat in profound shock and disgust. I actually felt like Throwing Up or Diarrhea Planet, which are actually both bands I ran across on Spotify the other day. Perhaps it was a moment like this where they chose their band name. If so, I totally get it now and revoke all of the jokes I made at their expense.”I saw Diarrhea Planet in the women’s restroom at a local concert venue recently. While the bathroom experience was explosive for some, I felt good and Heart was amazing!” “Isn’t Throwing Up your favorite?”

I was in the middle of updating the single sheet of paper that explains a person and an entire career, my resume, when I discovered an email I wrote years ago. I had done a search on my computer for a company I worked for years ago and for some reason it pulled up this particular email. I reread again and again. I wrote this? It says it’s from me. Have I been hacked? I could not hear my voice in this email just some angry psycho. Had my voice changed that much? In a nutshell, the email was rejecting a request for a letter of recommendation for a former co-worker and friend. It was ruthless and mean-spirited, at least up to the last couple lines, “Despite my feelings, I wish you the best in your endeavors.” The most bizarre thing is I have absolutely no recollection of this instance. I had even consulted a friend on how to handle the recommendation request and got an “all clear!” for my response. Who was I? What planet was I on? Clearly I had been hacked… by fear. It was clearly a personal issue of mine that I let carry through to this email. I know I wasn’t in a great place and was trying to do a lot of healing from my former life but wow! It makes me want to apologize to anyone I have ever known. “Sorry for being an asshole! I didn’t understand the role of fear in my life, or how to apply forgiveness, triviality, peace, and compassion! I also hadn’t discovered the Four Agreements!”

Ironically, as I sat stagnantly staring at my terribly boring resume I got a text from a wonderful friend thanking me for being a great friend. Okay, Universe I hear you! I caught a glimpse of who I was, at least for that moment, and thankfully I have grown from that. My life is incomparable to then and I am entirely grateful. It’s taken a lot of- I’ll call it-experience to get where I am. Now, I just have to continue on my path of transformation or as the Toltecs called it, the Art of Transformation. I have to continue to ignore the parasite which feeds fear and inadequacy to live a life of freedom. My dream is right now so why waste it on trivial things or moments of weakness in the past? I’ve never liked my voice but, I believe that it has changed and it feels new. I think I like it! Don’t worry I won’t be putting out an album as the new formed band “Asshole.” I’m guessing that name is already taken anyway.

“Wonderful”

This video is from the 2011 MFA Acoustic Session in the galleries of the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston. My Morning Jacket is one of my favorites! Their live performances are amazing but even more rad are the song lyrics. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying RA is wonderful… but life sure is. It’s important to keep things in perspective… and to daydream. I hope this gives you a spiritual boost!

Here are the lyrics:
“Wonderful (The Way I Feel)”

It matters to me
Took a long time to get here
If it would have been easy
I would not have cared

Like a tropical forest
Like a cop on the beat
When all is in order
You get lost in the heat

I feel so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful the way I feel
I feel so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful the way I feel

Doesn’t matter to me
I could take it or leave it
I could learn from way back when
And still live right now

With the sun on my shoulder
And the wind in my back
I will never grow older
At least not in my mind

I feel so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful the way I feel
I feel so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful the way I feel
So wonderful, wonderful the way I feel
I feel so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful the way I feel

I’m going where there ain’t no fear
I’m going where the spirit is near
I’m going where the living is easy
And the people are kind
A new state of mind

I’m going where there ain’t no police
I’m going where there ain’t no disease
I’m going where there ain’t no need
To escape from what is
Only spirits at ease

Happy National Dog Day!

Though I had to recover (for several days) after this blissful day at dog beach with my puppies, it was amazing and so worth it! In honor of National Dog Day, here are a few moments I was able to capture! 🙂

Basking in Love

Thunderstorms have been kicking my ass… again. The sky is grey, the barometric pressure is low, the humidity is high, and we’re under a flash flood watch. I feel sick and like a 50 pounds of dog food are hanging from each of my wrists and ankles. I’m crunchy, clumsy, restless, and very uncomfortable. I want to understand why the weather changes do this. Not that it really matters. I already know without fail, that most widespread pain and illness identifies that a storm is brewing within the next couple days. AccuWeather is calling for stormy weather through Friday.

On these days it is important to call upon things that keep me from or at least minimize pity parties. Here are some things that are helping me today and may help if you’re in a similar place.

• Burning myself via a hot shower. My poor skin pays the price of the intense heat which my joints require. Scaly skin is beautiful, right?

• Music is my great healer and therefore Spotify is aiding in keeping a pity party at bay. I just discovered this fantastic band called Sivu thanks to My Old Kentucky Blog.

• Re-reading and journaling using the prompts in Chronic Resilience by Danea Horn. Have I mentioned this book yet? It’s super amazing and inspiring. Seriously, read it. I wrote Danea on Facebook to thank her and she wrote me back! Heart-warming and rad!

• Re-reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. My thoughts are just thoughts, fears just fears, and today is only today. I choose what to pay attention to and what to let fly by. I am more empowered than I feel.

• Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris (even though he wouldn’t take a picture with me at a book reading, he’s still my favorite). He’s descriptive, endearing, offensive, hilarious, and dramatic. Perfection.

• Creativity- gently walking through my garden, reading HGTV magazines that my mom just passed on to me, watching HGTV, and brainstorming ideas for my portfolio and artwork. Oh yes, and Pinterest!

• Avoiding stressful and fearful thoughts and topics- they’re everywhere. I have to be aware and cautious so they won’t further eat my health.

• Eating healthy-
breakfast: typically oatmeal (though today was a gluten-free, sugar-free, and oil-free blueberry muffin courtesy of my awesome husband),
snack: green juice,
lunch: salad (romain, onions, peppers, mushrooms, sauerkraut, carrots, beets, avocado, tempeh, with a Dr. Fuhrman based cashew dressing)
snack: smoothie
dinner: a vegetable and rice/quinoa bowl.

• Chocolate peanut-butter smoothie (almond milk, frozen banana, peanut butter, and cold pressed Cacao powder).

• Writing this blog on my iPad. 🙂

On another note, our dishwasher died this weekend. I know it’s silly but it is devastating. It’s a financial and physical burden. After too much research we went with a Kenmore Elite (cadillac model). It is the easiest for me to open and has potential for no pre-washing. I cannot comprehend that! It’s also super quiet and pretty (well as pretty as a dishwasher can be from Sears). We’re even having it installed so it will be here 2 days sooner which is a pretty big deal for us and this nasty weather. Oh and they’re hauling away the broken one. Rad!

Living with RA has taught my husband and me that sometimes you have to do what’s going to make things a bit easier. It has also taught me to surround myself with things that make me love and feel loved- especially on the rough days. I’ve tried basking in sadness and anger and I can confidently say it made me annoyed with myself and ultimately made me feel worse. Not that I don’t wallow in sorrow sometimes, I do, but I really keep it limited because it is a choice.

Right now my thought is… Wow, that chocolate peanut butter smoothie rocked my world! 🙂 Yummmmmm!

Oxygen & Pulse

The machine arrived in a light blue elementary school pencil box with a pleasant delivery man who complimented our beautiful garden. The machine, a small electronic device with an attached long cord and finger clip, looked beat up and unsanitary. The delivery man explained that I could tape the clip on my finger if I felt that it may fall off during the night. The clip had disgusting sticky residue from the previous users. I wiped it down thoroughly with sanitizing wipes, crawled in bed, took my nightly meds, and hesitantly put the clip on my finger. It was still sticky. My husband and I watched the bright red lights project my oxygen and pulse levels. Oxygen 98 Pulse 78.

“Is 98 good?” I asked my husband.
“Yeah, it is,” he said with confidence.
“What’s the normal range?” I said surprised that he knew.
“I dunno,” he shrugged.
“Then how do you know 98 is good?” I said in a stressed tone.
“I don’t,” he said with a chuckle.

It’s going to be a long night. Oxygen 97 Pulse 74. I flipped the machine upside down to remove light pollution, struggled to be comfortable, and tried to focus on America’s Got Talent. My hands and fingers ached and the clip felt like 50 pounds. Why do my fingers have to hurt tonight? Sleeping has been a struggle as my ribs are seemingly still inflamed and this little device was adding to the challenge. Oxygen 97 Pulse 68.

I woke up abruptly to find the machine under my husband… and it was off! Ahhhhh! “Just turn it back on,” my husband coherently responded. He is rarely able to be coherent mid-sleep and it was 12am. Oxygen 94 Pulse 81. Ugh. At 6am I was over it. I’m done. It hurts. My finger felt swollen and all my fingers painful. I turned on the light found it looked a little flattened and maybe a bit swollen. As usual, it looked nothing like how it felt. A few minutes later a bump/blister appeared. What the heck?

I rushed to show my husband, “Look at this! Why do I have this blister?” I always ask him to know everything. Poor guy. He didn’t know and Google didn’t either. Oh well. At least it’s over and my finger gets a break. It’s crazy how a little device could cause more pain! Items up next blood work and X-rays. Yay?

Maybe Someday

“Oh, it’s good to run into you! It’s been years since we have worked together. How have you been?”
Next insert any of the following:
“When are you two going to have a little one?”
“You’re overdo for a child aren’t you?”
“You two plan to have kids, right?”
“You two would have the cutest kid! When is that going to happen?”

These statements are seemingly harmless and even friendly in nature for many however let me try this scenario again ending with different questions.

“Oh, it’s good to run into you! It’s been years since we have worked together. How have you been?”
Next insert any of the following:
“What are your religious views?”
“How do you feel about Roe V. Wade?”
“What are your political views?”
“What do you think of Obamacare?”
“Gun laws?” “Trayvon Martin?”
“How’s your sex life?”

Most of these statements are deemed inappropriate for small talk with an acquaintance. These questions are presumptuous, inconsiderate, and typically do not occur in this circumstance. The answers would cause uneasiness or heavy debate. However, how is it different from asking about children?

Okay so responses are typically more polite. My typical response is a sheepish, “maybe someday.” But, if I were to give my honest answer it could cause discomfort and perhaps even debate.

I have thought of childbirth as: adding to the population that the Earth cannot handle, it would feel awful bringing a child into this environment full of cruelty and injustice, and it’s like a puppy-mill and adoption is the only thing that actually makes sense. Despite my feelings against childbirth, like many ideologies my opinion changed. I met my husband, became a teacher, and thought how awesome it would be to have a vegan baby (and family) to help create positive change in the world- storybook, I know. One of my husband’s first questions to my rheumatologist was, “is having a child possible?” and he replied, “let’s make her feeling better a priority.” Though a baby was never an official plan, it was devastating for both of us to no longer have the option to consider and make an official plan. And maybe we wouldn’t have chosen that life anyway. But there is just something stifling about the option vanishing. RA made me sick and changed everything. That’s not an easy thing to share with inquiring minds at Target.

My honest response today would be… It’s presumptuous and painful for you to bring up such a personal and sensitive subject however, here it goes. I love children however, it is not an option. I have rheumatoid disease. I will be on chemotherapy and other immune suppressants for the rest of my life. My medication literally says “do not take if you suspect or are pregnant or breastfeeding” because it is so strong it would kill a fetus. In order to get pregnant I have get off of chemo, revisit horrifying disability, and risk permanent damage to my body. Yes, some enter disease remission during pregnancy however an equal amount of people do not and remain on immune suppressants, prednisone, and pain medications to survive conceiving and pregnancy. Is that fair for me? How about the fetus? Prior to this diagnosis this was a choice and now is not.

Insert awkward pause.

Some would argue that it’ll work out someday because of medical advances.

Some would argue to just think positive.

Some argue it’s worth the pain.

Some argue some medications are safe during pregnancy.

Some would argue it is a selfish act to not have children.

Some would also argue that it’s all part God’s plan for my husband and me.
While driving in a car with a pregnant woman, a woman who took fertility medications (who later gave birth to twins), another woman expressed her strong feelings that “Infertility or inability to have children is purposeful by God. It’s his way of telling people that they would not produce a healthy child that would bring good.” It didn’t make me feel better that she was unaware of everyone’s circumstances except the obviously pregnant woman.

Like political or religious views- it’s not a simple question, answer, or a simple decision. It is also definitely not appropriate with acquaintances or strangers. What about people who do not want children, do not like children, cannot have children, people who have underdeveloped organs, miscarriages, fears relating to childbirth or relationship/marriage changes.

Perhaps if a stork actually delivered a perfectly healthy child in a soft plush blanket to doorsteps one cool spring morning in a underpopulated world free of injustice and cruelty these questions could be endearing. But as adults we know the complications involved and should know better to mind our p’s and q’s. The alternative is to answer honestly so that perhaps later the questioner hears a thought rather than an out loud question. Maybe someday.